To me, open-handed doesn’t mean that I don’t care or it doesn’t matter if I don’t get what I want… so what do I mean when I say that?

Here’s what I mean:

I will ask clearly for what I want (not what I don’t want… although I may start with that) and I will be as specific as I am able and I will NOT:

• pressure
• cajole
• threaten
• guilt
• shame
• intimidate
• coerce
• beg
• harass
• manipulate
• bully

to get what I want.

Note… I do NOT say that I will not try to persuade or convince. This isn’t about being neutral or letting go of my want. It is about being loving and kind in the process of asking a receiving a response.

I MAY, as part of my request, choose to give a reason or two that I’m aware of that may cause them to not be able to give me what I want.

I MAY, if needed, explain what actions I may choose if they don’t give me what I want. (e. g. If they continue to yell at me when we disagree then I will exit the conversation.)

If I don’t get what I want then I will not judge them or their actions. Or if I find myself doing that I will work to release that judgment. By this I mean that I will not think of their action(s) as good or bad… it just is what it is. I will also work to not fill in a story about why they chose that behavior if they don’t tell me why.

I will work to be aware of the impact of this decision on our relationship.

Why does all of this matter?

• I find that asking for what I want makes it more likely to get what I want from someone and by not guilting, shaming, threatening, etc. makes it more likely that it connects us and creates life and joy on both sides. Someone may have good success with guilting people… and my guess is that the guilted one may give them what they want but will most likely be resentful about doing it.
• Asking for what I want typically goes WAY better than just expecting or hoping that they know what I want and give it to me.
• Asking for what I want feels more open, transparent and often vulnerable to me… and that’s a part of how I want to show up in the world. 
• This process helps me release the outcome and trust God in this process.
• I want to be way less judgmental in life and this helps. I do still have judgments about people that regularly do things that I perceive to bring harm. AND… that is a pretty rare case… I want to show up in life pretty stinking non-judgmental.
• My experience of this process is that I have been way more “successful” at getting what I want and still honoring all of the parties involved. This is  back to the idea that a people are more likely to have life and joy this way than when guilted or manipulated.
• There are occasions where I choose NOT to be open-handed like when we “bullied” my Mom into moving. She was not able to make adult decisions any more and it was what Rosenberg calls a “protective use of force” for her safety.